Conversations with Coachbuilders

This is not a reflection on all coachbuilders, not all are moronic bigots, indeed some have been extremely helpful to me over the years and a fund of knowledge. In particular I would thank both Paul Jones from Racemaster for his invaluable help and advice and also thanks to David Rees at Marlborough.

What follows are true conversations I have had with unidentified fringe builders although I have to say some are prolific sellers.

Me:  "I'm phoning about the new build horsebox you have advertised on......It looks to be a very good price, I am a trade buyer and would like to come and see it.

CB: Well the one in the advert is not the one I have for sale.

Me: O.K. What do you have for sale?"

There follows a lengthy description.

Me: But its on a LWB like the one in the photo ?

CB: No its a MWB but its the price of the one in the advert.

Me: O.K. so how much was the LWB in the advert you've put.....

CB: Oh no that one was £2,000 more.........

Me: Hello, I'm phoning about your horseboxes, I do like them but there doesn't appear to be a breast bar or partition?

CB: No, with horses jumping over we think its unsafe to have any breast partition.

Me: But what if you have to do an emergency stop the horse could break its neck

CB: Never heard of that...

Me: I don't think this box would suit my customer, she has large horses and the wheel arches protrude so far into the horse area the horses couldn't stand square.

CB: It teaches them how to balance.....

Me: Also I think my customer would like a bite board to stop them sniffing, biting, squealing and kicking back.

CB: You just rack them up tight so they can't move their heads.....

I actually receive more complaints about this firm than any other

Me: Hello I am phoning about a part exchange you have in on a 2000 chassis

CB: Yes what do you want to know?

Me: Which engine it has

Silence

Me: Well it can only be a 2.5 or a 2.8 turbo on that year of chassis

CB: I dunno

Me: Well can you tell me if the cam belt has been done recently?

CB: I dunno, shouldn't think so

Me: But it has eighty something thousand miles on it.

CB: You don't need to do them until ninety thousand.

Me: No thats not right its a MK11 that is the guide for a MK111 even so good practice is to change at 70,000 for a MK111 a MK11 should be done at 60,000. But leaving that aside its age as well, they do deteriorate with time, pulleys get worn and fatigued (at this point I am feeling a trifle fatigued) five years is really the time line and you're telling me that this vehicle is alright although it hasn't had a cam belt change for thirteen years?

CB: Look I build horseboxes I have eighteen of my own here for sale.......

In other words "Don't teach your grandmother to suck eggs" Actually in this case I do think "granny" needs a lesson.......